Episode 390: Barnabas Collins and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Time Loop

 🦇 OFF ON A TANGENT ABOUT DARK SHADOWS: EPISODE 390: A MASTERCLASS IN GOTHIC SOAP OPERA CHAOS 🦇

(Or: "Barnabas Collins and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Time Loop")

📜 PLOT "COHERENCE" (LOL)

We're still in 1897, where:

Barnabas is somehow both the hero and architect of his own misery (classic vampire move).

Julia is still dressed like a Victorian librarian who accidentally wandered into a Satanic panic.

Quentin's ghost is haunting the estate with all the subtlety of a drunk frat boy at a séance.

Judah Zachery's floating head is back, looking like a bad PowerPoint transition from 1995.

Key Takeaway: The timeline is more tangled than Angelique's motives (and that's saying something).

🎭 ACTING CORNER: THE FINE ART OF OVERREACTING

Jonathan Frid (Barnabas): Delivers every line like he’s simultaneously reading a eulogy and a grocery list. Legendary.

Grayson Hall (Julia): Her eyebrows deserve their own Emmy for "Most Dramatic Performance in a Supporting Role."

David Selby (Quentin): Spends the episode brooding so hard, you’d think the writers forgot to give him dialogue.

Best Line: "I must stop Judah Zachery!" — Barnabas, for the 47th time, despite zero progress.

🎥 PRODUCTION VALUE: THE $5 BUDGET SHINES

Judah’s Floating Head: Achieved with a projector, dry ice, and prayer. It’s like a high school AV club tried to summon Satan.

"Spooky" Lighting: The entire episode is lit like a Denny’s at 3 AM—dim, greasy, and weirdly ominous.

Sound Design: Every door creak is louder than a Metallica concert, ensuring you never forget this is a haunted house.

🔮 TANGENTS WORTHY OF YOUR SNARK

Angelique’s Off-Screen Scheming:

She’s technically dead but still pulling strings like a puppeteer with a grudge.

Theory: She’s haunting the writers’ room, forcing them to keep her relevant.

David’s Hallucinations:

The kid sees ghosts more often than he sees his own family.

Collinwood’s real curse? No child therapists.

The "Secret Room":

Every bad decision in this show happens near this damn room.

Is it a portal to hell? A time vortex? A really aggressive Airbnb? WHO KNOWS.

💀 WHY THIS EPISODE MATTERS (KINDA)

Barnabas’ Time Loop: He’s literally repeating his mistakes, making this the first soap opera to predict TikTok trends.

Julia’s Outfits: A historical record of how not to dress for a demonic uprising.

Quentin’s Hair: Still the real star of the show.

🎬 FINAL VERDICT:

Episode 390 is peak Dark Shadows—cheap, confusing, and weirdly compelling, like watching a car crash in slow motion while someone reads Edgar Allan Poe over it.

Now go haunt your own life—preferably with better lighting.

Know where your towel is, time-traveling disaster. 🕰️💋

(P.S. If she stalks this post, good—let her marinate in the fact that even Barnabas moved on from toxic exes.)

Jeannie's Tune Of The Day:

#siouxsieandthebanshees #citiesindust #goth